Confidence With Women

Top 10 Tips to Overcome Shyness

// November 9th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Shyness

By JT (Guest Writer)

If you’re shy, you will NOT get girls.
REPEAT- If you are shy, you will NOT get girls.

Despite whatever television shows and movies you’ve seen, the shy protagonist doesn’t miraculously get the babe in real life. This is a bullshit fantasy and accepting that one day…that one motherfucking day you’ll get the girl of your dreams, despite living a mediocre life is a lie.

Look, I believed the television shows and movies too. Additionally, I also read the dating advice columns in Maxim, Men’s Health, Esquire etc about how to get girls- thinking that being shy was fine, just as long as I was “being myself” and “being confident”; then she’d have like me, right? Oh yea, I also memorized the most clever pickup lines thinking that would help too. Thing is, NONE of these resources addressed how to exactly “be myself” and “be confident”, or what it even meant, or how it actually worked.

And somehow, at the age of 24 I was still a virgin, and still never kissed a girl.

Sure, I could’ve continued to believe everything was alright. Perhaps I could’ve gotten “lucky”, landed on a DTF drunk fattie, got laid once or twice a year, if ever. If this sounds acceptable to you, then please go to the upper right hand corner of this screen and click X. This article is not for you.

The truth-
Being shy is unattractive.

The next paragraph reveals how and what I did to remedy my shyness: Transforming from a loveshy loser to a man that confidently approaches the women he’s attracted to…

10 Tips to Overcome Shyness & Become Attractive around Women

Do NOT give a damn what anyone thinks about you-
When you give a damn, you’re reacting to others, seeking approval. You teeter on eggshells, feeling uncomfortable, intimidated, insecure and confused about what to say/do. Be your own person, live your own life. Do what you want, and others do what they can about it.

As an exercise, chant this yourself right now- “I do NOT give a damn…what anyone thinks about me”. Do this as much as you’d like, til you feel a physiological sensation and your voice sparkles a 100% belief that you honestly do not give a damn what ANYONE thinks about you…

You do not need anyone else to make you feel good about yourself-
If you’re looking for someone elses’ validation (especially a girls’)- you’re being a bitch. And you will never be attractive; no girl will ever have sex with a guy she feels sorry for. As a man, acknowledge that there is nothing someone can give you that you can’t get for yourself.

You, and ONLY You, can control how you feel about yourself-
Be cognizant how you FEEL in relation to the world around you, not self-conscious. Don’t take yourself or the world too seriously; find humor in everyday life, draw inspiration, cultivate a love for being. Check out Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’ for an understanding of ego and the role it plays in constructing the beliefs about ourselves in relation to the world.

Give yourself permission to be the man you want to become-
List the traits of the ‘ideal’ man. Understand those traits and shift your behavior towards becoming THAT person. The blueprint is now there to follow. Think to yourself: How would my ideal self react to a situation? Give yourself permission to be THAT person!

You’re either confident or you’re a bitch-
You cannot be ‘almost confident’ or 99% confident. Confidence, as I understand it, is purely the absence of fear. Nothing is holding you back; no mental obstacles between you and what you want. Notice how a five year old can be just as confident as a CEO; just because they don’t have a care in the world and no mental obstacle holding them back.

Stop masturbating-
Check out my earlier post on understanding how masturbation destroys a force that is insanely attractive to women. http://www.getgirlsnotgame.com/2010/10/sexual-energy.html

Talk LOUDER-
Visualize yourself as a fucking boom-box exploding the awesomeness. Speak LOUDER by pushing the air from your stomach outwards, not the air from your throat. Remember too, everything you say is important; it is important because it’s coming from you.

Be the Music-
Sad people listen to sad music. Have you ever heard a rap song where the rapper felt bad about himself? NO. In rap music, to illustrate an example, the MCs are having a fun time just being themselves, being the party, and living the life they want to live. Besides being awesome, rap music reinforces the mindsets of men that do not give a fuck what others think and aren’t shy to express themselves. Now, check out R. Kelly’s song, “I’ma Flirt” to dial and inspire the pimp inside you: R. Kelly “Im’a Flirt”

Join Toastmasters-
I cannot vouch enough how helpful this was for my own development. By joining Toastmasters, you are forced to speak to a public audience and you will receive honest, encouraging feedback towards sounding/appearing more confident. Click here to find a club near you…

Take action-
Join a GYM, develop good posture; the mind will follow the body. Get involved. Be proactive. Be a man and take charge. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

The richer your life is, the better you should feel about yourself.
You + Taking Action= your best self.

Additional tip to remember,

Girls love sex-
This is not an instant tip. To realize this as the TRUTH, you must go out and approach women. That’s it. Referencing and internalizing the ten tips above will allow you to feature your most attractive and confident self when you do approach women. For a woman, a highly confident man (regardless of looks, money, status) is the equivalent of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model for men.

Simply, Confidence = Attractive

JT, runs the blog Get Girls Not Game detailing the Life & Musings of a 25 year-old seducer living in NYC

Afraid to Make Eye Contact

// September 18th, 2010 // No Comments » // Shyness

Hi there, I received the following question recently about being afraid to make eye contact with other people:

I am afraid of eye contact, because of people who’ve hurt me before. To be able to smile when someone looked me in the eye, no matter who it was, would be so incredible. But to smile at everyone who did? It would be a complete transformation. I’ll settle for some people for now and work on the “everyone” bit later.

-Name Withheld

Afraid to Make Eye Contact 2

This is a very common problem for a lot of people so you aren’t alone in feeling this way. The thing about shyness that a lot of people don’t realise is that it won’t go away overnight, it’s something you have to work towards and you will become more outgoing over time.

As far as improving your skills at making eye contact with people go here’s how I went about it when I was overcoming my own shyness.

1. Start by trying to improve you skills at making eye contact by practising on family and friends.
2. As a rough guide you want to try and stick to a 40/60 rule with friends and family. To be more specific you should be aiming to keep eye contact for about 40% of the time, with frequent breaks so it doesn’t come off as being creepy and intense.
3. Once you have mastered that you can start practising on strangers such as cashiers and bar staff. These people are paid to speak to you and be polite and friendly so it’s a great chance to practice. Again stick to about a 40/60 ratio.
4. Other people like it when you make eye contact with them because it shows that you are giving them your full attention and it makes them feel important. It also help establish a connection with the other person.
5. When you are conversing with someone you find attractive switch it up to 80/20 (80% of the time you are making eye contract). Women find strong eye contact very attractive as it demonstrates a lot of confidence and will help her to feel attracted to you.

Hopefully these tips will help you get started improving your eye contact. Just knowing a few basic tips should help your eye contact skills improve dramatically due to you now having an idea what to do so you can actively work on improving it.

Feel free to send me an email if you have any questions or want some advice.

Thanks for your support! Cheers!

Afraid to Make Eye Contact

Being more social in bigger groups

// March 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Shyness

This isn’t so much pickup related but I have realized I am still inhibited in a group of 10-12 people when there is one conversation going on.

I just got back from travelling with a group where we all just met on the trip. It was a lot of fun and we got to know each other pretty well. But at night a lot of times we would go to the hot tub and all hang out there. I was noticeably quieter then and much more inhibited, even though I was fine with everyone in smaller groups.

Hi buddy,

This is a really good question and I’m going to give you some tips for what to do in future. But firstly I want to say that a large percentage of people are like this, I still am in certain situations. This is going to be something you will to have to make a concious effort to work on to overcome and over time you will see results.

Scientists have done a study on how groups of humans interact with each other and their results stated that a conversation can only be maintained by a maximum of four people at any one time. Any more than that and it either A) splits up into two or more smaller conversations B) becomes a speech where one or more people take turns speaking to the group.

If you aren’t comfortable giving a speech to the entire group then ask one of the other people near you a question then you can split the group up into two separate conversations. Ask an open ended question like “Hey Rob, I heard you tried windsurfing yesterday. How was it?”. Something like that will get a separate conversation going and a few other people will probably take their attention away from the main conversation (speech) to listen to what you two are speaking about. That’s fine let them join in. Being good in conversation is a skill which requires you to be able to speak BUT also you need to know when to give other people the opportunity to speak and listen to them. Then ask them questions about what they are saying to keep the conversation flowing nicely. It will take a bit of practice but once you work on it you will see amazing results.

Photo credit: Joseph Story 2.0

How to Overcome Shyness With Girls

// January 10th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Shyness

In the beginning overcoming shyness with girls can be really difficult. I know it especially was for me. The good news for you if you are currently shy around girls is it can be overcome. You can go from being someone who is extremely introverted into someone that is extroverted and social. I was one of the most socially awkward people you could ever hope to meet. So if I can successfully get over it so can you. I’ve compiled the five best tips to get you started below. Remember all it requires is for you to put in a bit more effort meeting people.

Don’t put girls on a pedestal

Don’t attach any sort of special significance to the girls you talk to. If you act like she’s too good for you, chances are she’ll subconsciously pick up on it. See her as a normal person who isn’t perfect and has the qualities of the average person. You probably know very little about this person so why treat them like they are better than you. Instead treat them as an equal.

Lower your expectations

When you talk to a girls, don’t have an end goal in mind; just go with the flow. You’ll be amazed at how much easier things get when you don’t think you have to accomplish something by the end. If you keep your cool, the rewards will present themselves naturally.

Get out and socialize

Join activities in which you’re always interacting with people, such as the gym, martial arts, a book club, cooking course, etc. In these sorts of places, you must always socialize with others, and after a while, you’ll get comfortable with it. Also, you’re practically guaranteed to meet interesting women that you have things in common with.

Talk to a lot of people (not just girls)

Don’t be afraid to talk to everyone you meet, from the old lady doing her groceries to the bank clerk. Practice is the only way you’ll get good at socialising with people. Most people secretly lament the lack of communication between themselves and others, so your friendliness will be welcome.  And if it’s not, brush it off. Those that snub you are probably inhibited people who never took on the challenge of overcoming their own shyness. Think of being social as a muscle that you need to exercise by talking to people you meet when going about your day to day business.

Make friends with girls and spend time with them

One or two will be fine but three to five would be better. You need to get used to hanging out and spending time around girls that you’re just friends with to enable you to get over your shyness around girls before you plan on being around ones that you’re attracted to because that’s going to make you shyer on a whole other level.

Once you’re comfortable doing that you can then start spending time with girls you are attracted to. You can even get your female friends to introduce you to some of their friends. That’s the beauty of having female friends, because they like you they want to see you happy so they’ll try and set you up. For some reason girls love playing matchmaker and getting people together.

I know this sounds very counter intuitive but it really is the fastest way to get over shyness with women. Also take them on nights out with you because they will provide you with Social Proof and thus Pre-selection making the other girls where you go more attracted to you (without you having to do anything), so they’re then more than happy to talk to you when you approach.

Photo Credit: Marco Viegas

Struggling to make friends at university

// December 18th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Shyness

I’ve been at uni for 3 months now and I’m really struggling to make friends. I’m living in halls and during freshers week I went out and tried to socialize but I found it so hard. I’m naturally very shy but have been able to make friends in the past easily. It’s really quite depressing. Admittedly I haven’t made much of an effort to join societies and clubs but I find the thought of going to these places alone terrifying.

I have nothing at all in common with any of my flatmates, and as I’m so different from them I find it hard to act like my normal self. I think my friends from home who I’ve known for years would say I’m quite outgoing when I’m around them, which is how I’d like to be around people at uni but I’m finding it so difficult.

I’ve become a sort of recluse now, I barely come out of my room. I’m not being dramatic or paranoid but I swear people avoid talking to me because conversations with me are really awkward and boring. I can’t muster up any banter with anyone because I’m so depressed about the whole situation. It’s got to the point where I’ve just given up all together with making friends. I’m just wondering how i’m going to get through the next 3 years of my course with no friends, I have acquaintances, people who I’ll sit with at lunch or in a lecture but no actual friends who i’d go out with or spend time with outside uni. I don’t know what to do, anyone else been in a similar situation?

Emily

My Answer: The thing that I’ve realised from spending the first 18 years of my life as a shy person is people generally won’t come to you, you will have to go to them. As a society we are always waiting for the other person to make the first move and take the risk. The people that are really popular are the people who always make the first move and take action.

Something else that I realised is social confidence is the opposite of shyness. The only way to get social confidence so you feel more comfortable socially is to socialise more. The reason that you feel shy is probably because you don’t socialise very often and we get nervous doing things we have never done before or haven’t done very much. I want you to have a read at the below quote.

The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over, and then expecting different results – Albert Einstein

What Einstein is saying here really rings true if you’ve spent your entire life withdrawn and subsequently lonely because of not having many friends. By continuing to abide by the same habits you will continue to get the same results, even more loneliness.

The way to break out of this cycle is to gently push yourself out of your comfort zone, try saying hi to someone you see everyday instead of just walking past them. Next time you see them try talking to them for 5 or 10 seconds before moving on. The trick is to gently push yourself to be more social but not to the point that it makes you really uncomfortable because you will just freeze up. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Remember you can follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/social_rockstar or if you have any questions email me at: socialrockstaruk@googlemail.com and I’ll try to answer them on the blog. Also please leave me a comment and let me know what you thought of this post.

How to meet girls at college if you are shy?

// December 1st, 2009 // No Comments » // Shyness

This is a question I received recently.

How to meet girls at college if you are shy?

I am shy and I don’t drink… Obviously I don’t like parties because of all the people in a small place and what not. I am kind of scared of talking to girls even if it is just to say hi that is so hard for me to do… What can I do in this situation.
- d

My Answer:

Hi D, the best way to get over this is to make some female friends. One will be fine but two or three would be better. You need to get used to hanging out and  spending time around girls that you’re just friends with to get over your shyness around women before you plan on being around ones that you’re attracted to because that’s going to make you shyer on a whole other level.

Once you’re comfortable doing that you can then start spending time with girls you are attracted to. You can even get your female friends to introduce you to some of their friends. That’s the beauty of having female friends, because they like you they want to see you happy so they’ll try and set you up. For some reason girls love playing matchmaker and getting people together.

Remember you can follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/social_rockstar or if you have any questions email me at: socialrockstaruk@googlemail.com and I’ll try to answer them on the blog. Also please leave me a comment and let me know what you think of this post.

Afraid of Rejection… In Front of Others

// November 29th, 2009 // No Comments » // Shyness

I came across this question on a forum and thought I’d give this guy some pointers to help him get through this because I used to really struggle with this.

“Let’s just be friends” by Kezia PUA trainer

// October 22nd, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Shyness

Never hear lets just be friends (ljbf) ever again. Kezia explains how you can get out of the friend zone if you ever find yourself in that predicament. This is a really helpful video if you are currently struggling to get a girl you’re just friends with to be something more with you. I would also recommend breaking rapport (making fun of her playfully) I’ve actually used this myself on two separate occasions and its worked like a charm.

Kezia PUA female trainer

// October 19th, 2009 // No Comments » // Shyness

Kezia Noble

Do nice guys finish last? This is one of the biggest questions my students ask me, and hopefully this video will help explain who the nice guy is and whether he finishes last or first.

I think if you’ve ever been called a nice guy you will find this video extremely useful. When I was just starting out I thought you had to be an arrogant jerk to do well with women but the good news is you don’t though there is a subtle difference between a nice guy and her definition of a ‘good guy’, but you will have to watch it to see.